Dear Friend

August 13th, 2012

Mon, 13 Aug 2012 15:18:00 -0400

Dear Friend,

I feel like there’s something missing with ‘us.’ Is this how love is supposed to be?

-Renee

September 8th, 2011

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 12:22:00 -0400

Dear friend,

I want to get married. As soon as possible. And I don’t care if it’s to the wrong person. I just want to have someone with me at all times. Someone that will be for me and only for me. No one else.

Love — Jane

August 17th, 2011

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 01:50:22 -0400

Dear friend,

I feel like I’m dating both of the twins. Sometimes, I even feel as if I’m dating the wrong one.

Love — Jane

August 5th, 2011

Fri, 05 Aug 2011 16:49:20 -0400

Dear friend,

I loved you first.

Love — Jane

August 4th, 2011

Thu, 04 Aug 2011 12:40:00 -0400

Dear friend,

I told him that I love him. And he told me he couldn’t say it back. I feel so stupid.

Love — Jane

July 25th, 2011

Mon, 25 Jul 2011 15:01:50 -0400

Dear friend,

I take that back. There is only one person that has my heart.

Love — Jane

July 24th, 2011

Sun, 24 Jul 2011 16:02:22 -0400

Dear friend,

I think I’m in love with two people.

Love — Jane

July 16th, 2011

Sat, 16 Jul 2011 03:33:37 -0400

Dear friend,

I don’t think there are any words to explain how I feel right now. I wish there were. So I could get it off my mind. But there aren’t.

Love — Jane

July 11th, 2011

Mon, 11 Jul 2011 15:54:55 -0400

Dear friend,

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. And I know that’s not good. Thinking ahead isn’t something that I like to do. Because then I expect things. And when you expect things, you get disappointed. The thing is, I just want him to be with me. I want to wake up in the morning knowing he’ll be there. Is that so much to ask?

Love — Jane

June 28th, 2011

Tue, 28 Jun 2011 15:10:00 -0400

Dear friend,

I have decided to stop smoking cigarettes and weed. And I have also decided to stop drinking. I think it’s better to be clean for a while. Ever since I started dating my boyfriend, I’ve been picking up these bad habits. For example, when I’m stressed, I smoke. Or when I’m sad, I drink. As a result, I get super quiet or break down. And I’m tired of doing that. I’m tired of holding everything in. It’s not fair to me or anyone else that I let everything out when I’m high or drunk. Plus, it’s not very attractive. I don’t think it’s cute when I girl smokes cigarettes. It smells. And when I kiss my boyfriend, I feel like I’m kissing an ashtray. I want him to quit. I don’t know why I started. I just figured that if I smoked, I wouldn’t taste it when I kissed him. And it’s true. I don’t taste it after I smoke. But I hate it when I come home and smell my nasty clothes. It’s not cute. At all. As for drinking. I just say too damn much when I’m drunk. And I think it’s better to keep that shit to myself. And when I’m ready to talk about it, I’ll write to you. But yeah. These are just a couple of things that I want to work on. Cause I feel as if I don’t really know who I am anymore. I mean, I used to be sober. But now, it’s just out of control. I need to get my life back on track. On a lighter note… my boyfriend visited me for the first time in my hometown. It was a great feeling to see him come into my house and sit on my couch. And I got to cook for him and wash his dishes and watch a movie with him in my own family room. It felt great. And he met my friends. And we went bowling. And we laughed. And it was just a great day. I’m so happy. He makes my heart melt. I couldn’t ask for anyone better. Even if he smokes and drinks, he’s good to me. And that’s all I could really ask for from him.

Love — Jane

June 24th, 2011

Fri, 24 Jun 2011 19:45:00 -0400

Dear friend,

Around 11:55 in the evening, you say, “Let’s take a shower.” So, we get ready to shower. Here we are standing in the bathroom, waiting for the water to warm up. And you start constantly checking your phone. But you don’t press any buttons or anything like that. You just keep checking every second you get. And then when I finally start to ask what you’re waiting for, you cut me off and say, “Hey, it’s midnight. Happy two months.” My, oh my, I really love being with you. You make me so happy. Thank you for everything. Happy two months, my baby.

Love — Jane

June 21st, 2011

Tue, 21 Jun 2011 19:14:00 -0400

Dear friend,

I’m falling apart. I’m missing you. And I know I shouldn’t. But why is it getting harder to walk away? I don’t know what I am doing anymore. I’m lost. And I can’t seem to figure out which path to take. Should I just leave everything I have now and try to fix things with you? Or should I go back to pretending that what we had never happened? What does my heart want? It wants him. While it still wants you. He’s so good to me, though. And I know I’ll fuck it up if I still think about you from time to time. So, let this be it. This is my final goodbye. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out for us then and I’m sorry it didn’t work out now. And maybe it never will. Maybe we should have taken all those failed times as a sign that this will never be. No matter how much you want it. No matter how much I want it. This will never, ever be. And even though I miss you so much right now… I’m gonna ignore it. I’m gonna ignore it because I want the relationship I have with my boyfriend to work. He told me that I’m the one. Do you know how much that meant to me? It meant everything. He means so much to me. And imagining myself walking away from him… breaks my heart. I’m sorry. But I’m in love with him. I love him so much. So, I have to do this. I have to walk away. Goodbye, my friend. I tried to be your everything. But you didn’t want me. And now, the tables have turned. I’m not saying that it’s karma. But now you know. Now you know how I felt a couple of years ago when I watched you fall in and out of love with everyone but me. It hurts. Doesn’t it? To watch the one you love be with someone else. But just as I was happy for you. Please, be happy for me. I’m sorry. But you made me wait for too long. And now that I have a great thing going for me, I can’t just walk away. Goodbye.

Love — Jane

June 18th, 2011

Sat, 18 Jun 2011 14:24:00 -0400

Dear friend,

You told me I’m the one. You actually told me that I am the one. I hope I’m really the one. Cause, I’m really falling for you. And what I feel… for you. It’s just inexplainable.

Love — Jane

June 17th, 2011

Fri, 17 Jun 2011 06:11:00 -0400

Dear friend,

It’s 2:53 in the morning, and I can’t sleep. This week has been super stressful because it is your birthday week. I’ve been working my ass off to save as much money as possible so that you can have the best presents. I hope you really do like them though. I tried to be thoughtful. I really did. But yeah. The reason I can’t sleep is because I am jet-lagged. Being out of the country for three weeks really fucks you up sometimes. What really fucked me over was not being able to be with you for that period of time. We were 7000+ miles away from each other, yet you never left my mind. We basically spent the second month of our relationship apart. And it was a good test. I never knew I could miss someone that much until there was you. Well, anyways. We talked about something last night that really kind of bothered me. A couple of days ago, I was out with some co-workers not too far from where you were. And I asked you to come by and chill with us. You did. And by the time you got there, I was pretty drunk. But since I had not seen you for three weeks, I wanted to drink with you. So we drank. A lot. And next thing I know, I was in the bathroom with one of my co-workers, talking about some deep shit that got me crying. And when we were done talking. We came outside and got ready to go home. You knew I was too drunk to drive home. So you sat in the car with me. And then the tears started to fall again. And I lay my head down in your lap. And told you how happy I was to see you. And you wiped the tears off my face and told me that you missed me so much. After a while, I felt sick and then yacked right outside my car. You got out of the car and walked to my side and patted my back while I let everything out. When I was done yacking, you gave me water to gargle. And then you lifted my chin and kissed me. No hesitation at all. After a while, we said our goodbyes. And my co-worker drove me home. The next day, you asked me why I always cry when I get super drunk. It caught me off guard. I know you care. You tell me you care for me. All the time. And it just makes me feel so bad. Ya know? It’s just… the reason why I cry when I’m drunk is cause I’m still in love with my best friend but at the same time, I’m in love with you.

Love — Jane

May 26th, 2011

Thu, 26 May 2011 23:49:15 -0400

Dear (boy)friend,

I know it’s partially my fault for bringing up all that wedding and marriage shit a while ago as just something to talk about or a hypothetical of sorts, but now with the dream and you egging it on, I can’t help but think that we could be good together like that, married and all. But what the fuck am I saying?! We’ve only been together for seven months. That’s way too soon to be thinking about things like “happily ever after,” especially since both you and I established that we shouldn’t be talking about that in a serious way. I’m scared to even tell you that I sometimes imagine what it would be like to be married to you.

We should just stop talking about it. Please. Stop giving me ideas, as happy as they make me. It’s wrong to have. We have our priorities and although that is nothing but a day dream, it is still something that should be FAR FAR AWAY from my thoughts.

-Adaline

May 19, 2011

Thu, 19 May 2011 17:17:00 -0400

Dear friend,

I’m in a relationship. And I pray that this will work out because I really like him. He brings out the best in me. Ugh, I don’t want this to seem like some cliche thing that I’ll say now and regret later. But fuck it! If, however, things don’t work out in the future, I know that my feelings for him were sincere. I know for a fact that what I feel when I wake up in the morning, throughout the day, and even when I lie down to sleep, is true. The more time I spend with him, the more I learn about myself. And I don’t want it end. I don’t want to wake up in the morning and find him not there. I don’t want to feel differently about him. I don’t want my heart to change its mind. But if I think about it, it’s kind of sad. To picture myself being happy and wondering if this will be consistent. I pray it will never end. But realistically… all things come to an end. And I hope, if or when it does, I hope my heart can handle it. I don’t want to think of what will happen to me if this falls apart. If it falls apart… will I fall apart?

Love — Jane

April 18, 2011

Mon, 18 Apr 2011 11:59:58 -0400

Dear friend,

A lot has been going through my mind. But yeah… anyways, I met someone not too long ago. I didn’t really know him. But I knew of him. Does that make sense? The first time we ever spent time together and had a legit talk, I was drunk and threw up on myself. But he was there, by my side, holding a plastic bag for me to throw up in. The next day, I was looking through my phone and I got a couple of text messages from an unknown number. ”Hey this is ____. Please hit me up. I won’t judge you. I promise.” Apparently that night, I had given him my number. I texted him back, and he asked how I was feeling. Ever since then, we’ve been texting each other every day. He’s older than me though. Three years older, in fact. I like that though. Him being older. He’s really nice, and I think I like him a lot. Believe me, I still don’t want a relationship. But, honestly, I can see myself being with him. He holds my hand in public. And he makes me feel special. He doesn’t act different around his friends. It’s just weird how fast we got to know each other. He visited me at school. And slept over. It was nice. We just talked until the sun came up and slept for the rest of the day. It made me so happy to just be with him. I really do like him. He’s someone I can see myself being with for a long time.

Love — Jane

February 21st, 2011

Mon, 21 Feb 2011 21:52:33 -0500

Dear friend,

I have come to realize that my love life is just make-believe. Boys come and go. I have learned to accept that. I don’t hold onto the thought of them. I don’t open my heart and I don’t share feelings with them. They don’t become a part of my daily life. They’re just there. And when I don’t want them there anymore, they disappear. I’m afraid that I’ll never feel love again. I’m afraid that there will be nothing past infatuation and lust. I’m afraid that all I will want is pleasure instead of actual love.

An old friend has walked back into my life. And I kind of just brushed it off as a Jane-fling. Because that’s all it ever was for the last five years. Around his birthday, he’ll fall in love, and then a month later… he’ll find someone else. And after five years of that routine, I’ve gotten used to it. But this year has been different. He’s been making an effort to see me and make things work between us. The sad part is… I don’t want to start a relationship. I don’t even want to think about one. But, people consider us to be in one. I don’t consider us to be together. And even when I think about it, I know it’ll be difficult for us. He lives 110 miles away. It’s not guaranteed for us to see each other every week. And I’m not sure if I can handle that. I’m not sure if he can handle that. Once again, boys come and go. But this one is actually trying to stay. Why is it that every time I want someone, they never want me back? And when I don’t want them anymore, they come running? I love him. Ew, that’s weird to say. But I do. He’s an old friend. He just broke my heart too many times. And I’m not sure if I can forget that. Let alone, forgive. But I think he’s serious about this time though. He told me, “I made a lot of mistakes in the past. And I’m sorry. But honestly, you have me at my best. I really love you. I do. I want this. Us.”

I just want to find the right person. I want my love to just skip the other chapters of my life and appear in the story already. So, love. If you’re out there. I’ve been missing you. I’ve been waiting to meet you. And if I already have. I’m sorry that it’s taking me so long to realize that we’re meant to be together. I’m just confused about what I want in my life. And I understand that I’m being impatient. But when the time comes for us to be together, please promise to be everything I dreamed you would be. Please be imperfect and flawed. Just like God intended you to be, for me.

Love — Jane

January 27th, 2011

Thu, 27 Jan 2011 04:44:00 -0500

Dear friend,

It’s time like these that I can’t even look at myself without being disgusted. I don’t deserve your love.

I can’t look at you either, especially when you have that look on your face. It just reinforces the hate I have for myself.

-Adaline

December 2nd, 2010

Thu, 02 Dec 2010 15:31:38 -0500

Dear friend,

I don’t know why but I always fool myself into thinking we’re made for each other. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t fantasize about growing old together and what our kids’ names will be or shit like that, but I sometimes feel that we can last a long time as a couple.

But silly thoughts never come to reality. I forget that emotions can change easily. I forget that you are the type to move on quickly. That’s okay, I can do that too. I’ve had lots of practice, albeit it wasn’t with people I was in an intimate relationship with. However, if that happened, if we did break up, the fact that we go to the same school and have the same friends doesn’t really help. I can only feign apathy for so long, especially after being emotionally invested like I’m doing so right now. But who knows what could happen. Perhaps it’s a good thing that you and I (but most especially you) will have busy schedules in the future so if the time comes where we break up and things will be awkward, we’ll have that busy schedule to keep our mind preoccupied and have us physically away from each other.

How is it that you can make me completely forget about all my precautions and irks about relationships and liking someone? How is it that you can make me not want to shield myself and my emotions from you when I’ve worked so hard to hide them from everyone else all these years? Fuck you. I sometimes hate what you’ve done to me. You make me vulnerable and weak. I don’t find this acceptable.

I need more moments like this, moments of realization, to help ground me and stop me from completely liking you. If you knew any of this, you’d probably wonder how you ended up with a psychopathic bitch like me.

-Adaline